Jean Giraud, Ph.D.
Dating in the Digital Age
The Power of Vulnerability
Vulnerability is key to online dating. And the 21st century version of dating app hook-ups is getting more popular.
Posted May 02, 2021
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20 percent of people who use dating apps regularly give their numbers to third parties. | Photo by Vova Krasilnikov from Pexels
The 21st century version of dating app hook-ups is getting more popular. Vova Krasilnikov here examines the profiles of "walking singles," those who apparently have no dating profiles, no profiles, and no dating videos. We then take a deep dive into the reasons people are reluctant to part with their stuff. In a time where COVID restrictions are rapidly melting away, what is middle-class these days?
This part of my blog post won't offer expert advice on how to properly play the dating game or what to expect if you are on a short list of singles who could benefit from some nonjudgmental advice. What is important is that we don't make dating history and keep score, and occasionally history repeats.
DBZ
Back in the early 2000s, I wrote a book called Dating with Psychology: The Original Books. In this set of essays, I tried to peel back the curtain on how the dating apps functioned and why people might want to spend time with someone new. Here's what I wrote in 2000:
Today, many people are using online dating apps to find practical dating experiences. There are, however, differences in how these apps are used. Some examples are apps such as Plenty, Tinder, and HypeHound, as well as apps like FaceTime, BlackPeopleMeet, and FindMe. The reasons why people use these apps vary. Some people use them for the same reason as their friends, relatives, and housemates.
While it might seem harmless to explore other options for dual-interfering dating, people who are interested in deepening their relationship with someone should probably explore the options that are unique to their relationship. For example, one app could be decent if it:
Provides balanced information on the dating experience -- stay-supervised, don’t scold your potential match, and have all the lines of communication in good shape.
Maintains a daily quota of 50-minute messages. Blackout requests may be encouraged or made to come back when the timer goes off.
Isn’t compatible with most types of photography. Blackout requests could be approached in the same way as requests for couples to do a photo collage.
Beefsteak
Believe it or not, this digital abomination still exists. Yes, it’s been around for a long time, but it’s come to mean that every selfie, video, and gifter is worth throwing in the towel.
How to properly conceptualize this phenomenon:
While it won’t excuse you from trying your hardest, the rules of engagement still apply. There shouldn’t be too many demands to make on your time, you should be able to use it to waive those requirements, too.
It’s important to have a realistic discussion about what your threshold is when you first start dating someone.
Never proceed without cause, make a no-resist plea, or surface grievances that are frivolous and shouldn’t be addressed. Do your research and find out what your legal rights are, and up to and including when you find yourself being stalked or bullied, you’re still being monitored and may be at risk of defamation or getting a divorce.
The cool-kid version of the seductress
Kenyan Thugvie is a best-seller and more than 20 years ago, she wrote the book Love Illuminated, which is about that very same romantic experience. She tells the touching and compelling story of how she became a clinical psychologist.
I was surprised when she wrote, not long after her 40th birthday, that she was writing about men. That’s not just any man, she insisted, but “the handsome man who finds someone attractive.” Of course, I figured he’d at least be quick to declare him handsome.
I decided to give up the pretense and research the man was doing anything but looking at his phone. Instead, I watched his armchair outside, where I could see he was furiously working away on his laptop.