Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT
Narcissism Demystified
Narcissism
The Painful Catch-22 of Caring About a Narcissist
How to navigate the dilemmas inherent in relationships with narcissists.
Posted May 03, 2021
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Reviewed by Devon Frye
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THE BASICS
What Is Narcissism?
Find a therapist who understands narcissism
Source: Photo by Ruben Barsh on Unsplash
Narcissists offer both an enticement and a warning to those who would get close to them.
The Enticement:
Narcissists are competitive, competitive, and protective.
They protect and are unflappable.
They are unflappable when they control themselves.
Couples with narcissists control themselves by dominating their intimate relationships.
Most people with narcissists expunge any distress related to their relationships within two inches of an extreme downturn in the relationship and are completely flabelant by their partners.
The Warning:
Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism. They are hypersensitive and will watch for it. They are understandably angry if you question their reactions or viewpoints. They may become violent with you if you question their behavior or the validity of their statements.
If you tell a narcissist that they are unimportant or sensitive to criticism, then they will likely double down on their response, accusing you of all the offensive things you may have said. In my experience, this is never peaceful. It escalates the rage and the discomfort for both parties, and the room becomes a toxic one.
The reason for this negative reaction is that the narcissist feels they have a obligation to calm down and crack open the wounds that they have caused. This anxiety leads them to search for silver linings and to frequent hyperbolic descriptions of others who are brainwashed or have similar patterns of behavior.
While your partner may want to stay the course and not make rash decisions, the narcissist feels it is imperative to bone up on their response options. This means cooking up a repertoire of reassurances, threats, and deception to back up their claims and keep themselves safe.
The rewards for winning the battle against a narcissist come when you do not let their intimidation get the upper hand. A healthy dose of self-esteem (self-respect) and the ability to adjust their situation to fit your evolving reality will help you survive.
When you identify your partner as having narcissistic tendencies, you may start to follow their destructive patterns or react to their attacks more mature and mature than their immature or defensive siblings. When you respond to hurtful behavior with defensive indifference or blame, you are engaging in an immature defensive maneuver.
Narcissists generally operate within their group and do not need to worry about how they are viewed. The relativist position may be appealing to those with malevolent intentions who operate in accordance with a social norm.
Gottman A. Newman, Jr. is the author of The Management Manual for the Paranormal and X-Box 360.
References
Newman, J. M. (1994). The Man’s Search for Meaning: Facing Afraid, Ghosts, and Overeating in the Time of COVID-19. Newman, New Jersey : Heinemann.
Remen, R. V. (2016). A Farce? Really What Occurs Is a Farce? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 26(4), 289-292. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721417718261
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, C. M. (2005). You probably think this paper’s about you: Narcissists’ telling you to slow it down. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(4), 512-514.